Christmas eve…

I don’t know how exactly it’s been happening, but over the past few months a distinct feeling of ‘uneasiness’ has crept into my thoughts like a thief, slowly but surely stealing my sense of ‘well being’ piece by piece, and leaving me feeling increasingly distant, unattached, cold.

“What has been waiting for me in my dreams all these years?”

“Behind the door in your dreams is the dark chaos of your own soul, a reminder of what we are ‘all’ capable of if left unchecked, it is the opposing force to the light of harmony, and the tension between the two creates the energy that drives ‘all sentient life’ forward.”

I have been having these ‘night visitations’ three or four times a year for as long as I can remember.  Each time waking up bathed in sweat, crying in terror and feeling lucky I survived another attack from this evil, malevolent entity.  His answer brings a profound sense of relief as the realisation settles in that it was simply me, frightening myself, nothing more, nothing less…  I have no more questions now, I just want to go home.

“Can this end now please” I ask.

“Yes, but I have one last thing to share with you…”

He turns, looks directly at me, and the universe itself seems to hold its breath before he finally speaks.

“Consider the importance of the ‘things you ask for’, are they the things you actually want?”

“Consider the importance of the ‘things you want’, for are they the things you actually need?”

“Finally, consider the importance of ‘what you actually need’, for this is where you will find true, and lasting happiness…”

Even if all of this is just a crazy dream and I wake up and the memories slowly fade away like most of them do.  Right here, right now, I can’t help but have a deep feeling of empathy with this ‘angel’ before me… “Lucifer, before this ends I’d like to say… I’d like to say thank you.”  I’m not sure if its my imagination, but he ‘almost’ seems to smile as everything before me slowly disappears like mist, revealing what I used to consider to be ‘the real world’ behind it…

Anna stirs from her sleep, looks at me and says “You had that dream again?…”

“What happens when you die?”

“A guide will come at the moment of transition, when a soul is balanced between mortality and death.  For most, this will take the form of a loved one.  Those at the gates of ‘Oblivion’ will be taken by what humanity call the ‘Grim Reaper’ or as you now know it, a ‘Feeder’.  But there is a much greater truth to be found within your question, and it must be understood that death has two paths.  For those moving towards harmony, it is simply the transition of an ‘eternal soul’ into pure energy.  Another step closer to god.  For those about to enter Hell, it means they no longer have the capacity the evolve and ‘death’ truly is, the end.”

…black

The darkness here is cold and complete, with the only illumination being the light of the souls contained within their own personal hell…  Occasionally ‘Feeders’ can be seen as they land on the surface of an orb but beyond that, there is ‘nothing, here but the all pervading sense of sadness and loss.  As much as I don’t want to know the answer I ask him “What do the ‘Feeders’ do with the souls once they are here?”

“Like all sentient life they require food and the ‘life force’ of the souls is their harvest…”

The horror of his words leave me speechless as he continues…

“…even in hell there is order and structure, and everything contained within creation has use.  Here, in ‘death’ these lost souls provide ‘life’ for the ‘Feeders’.”

“Where are we?” I ask.

“It is ‘Oblivion’ at the edge of creation.  A place where gods light is at its weakest”

I don’t want to be here anymore. I never want to come here again… “I want to leave this… place.” I tell him…

“At what point does it become impossible to change?” I ask.

“Change is impossible when self delusional lies become the sole reason for living.  Once this happens you are already in hell.”

I simply nod in acknowledgement, and start to list the things I need to put right when this is over…  I know I’m going to regret this but have to ask, “Where do the ‘Feeders’ take them to?”. He doesn’t smile this time as he replies, “I’ll show you”…

…grey

We are in an infinite expanse of greyness that is neither light nor dark, just, grey… and after the indescribably beautiful feeling of ‘completeness’ I had in the presence of the creator, here if anything, I only feel a little bit sleepy which is odd, as up to now I’ve never felt so… energised… alert… alive even.  Its a shame I’m asleep, or, actually I don’t know, if it’s just my body that’s asleep or… best not think too hard about that…  “Where are we?”

“This place of stillness is where souls wait, souls change.”

“Souls, what sou…”  and then they slowly appear… The little points of golden light I had seen at the start of creation, stretching out as far as the eye can see, and more than I could possibly hope to count.  Some are just golden, but others contain people, and things that look kind of… animal… alien.

“The ‘golden’ are new life waiting to start their journey, the others walk ‘the path of souls’.” He says.

I fall quiet watching the souls slowly drift past, and as I look inside the orbs containing human forms, I see their features changing, appearing to almost cycle through the various faces the soul wore at each stage of its mortal time.  Its unnerving to  watch, but I just can’t tear my eyes away as the expression on each face tells a story… then I notice something that makes my blood run cold with fear.

There is an orb containing a human shape, but unlike the rest of the souls in this.. grey place, it is awake but seemingly unaware of its surroundings or the ‘black’ formless shapes that are crawling over its outer surface peering into the orb, and watching its every move. “What are they” I say in a low voice.

“They are the ‘Feeders’ that take those who chose the path of disharmonic hatred into the darkness of hell.”

More ‘Feeders’ are gathering now, slowly but surely working together to cover the orb.  “Is there no hope of redemption for these ‘souls’, is there no way they can put right, the wrong they have done.” I ask anxiously.

“There are many crossroads along the way, where a clear decision has to be made on which path to choose.  But the gift of ‘free will’ means the responsibility for these decisions and the consequences that follow, rest with the soul itself, and a soul’s decision to walk towards the light of god must be based upon its desire to achieve harmony with its world, not fear of retribution for its actions.  For those who choose to blind themselves to the pain and suffering they inflict on others without any conscious feelings of empathy for their victims or remorse for their actions, there can be no redemption.  For it is only with the ‘truth’ that redemption can be found, and only complete acceptance of the ‘truth’ can set them free.”

I watch as the orb slowly floats away with the light of the soul contained within almost smothered now by the ‘Feeders’.  Its time here is almost over and I can’t help feeling sorry for it, but if this is a ‘direct’ result of the suffering it has caused others.  Then so be it…

I’m disturbed by what I’ve witnessed and by the fact I’m feeling some twisted kind of satisfaction that the evil living amongst us get rewarded in this way…

“Why didn’t god simply create a universe in harmony?” I ask. Why have so much pain and suffering in the world. Why have so much hate and anger. Why must the innocent suffer?”

“If you have never cried tears of the deepest sorrow then you will never cry tears of overwhelming happiness.  If your greatest needs have never been met then you will never appreciative being without need.  Gods greatest gift to life is the darkness of pain, suffering and want, for it provides a measure to gauge ones happiness against, and the motivation necessary to drive all living things towards the light of harmony.”

“So what is hell?” I ask him…

“Hell is the creation of those who blind themselves to the truth.  It is all encompassing and those souls who create their own hell, spend eternity in it, there is no escape.”

For some stupid reason I say “I don’t understand?”
He looks at me and smiles “I’ll show you.”

I’m in a faceless street in a nameless town.  Everything looks ‘exactly’ the same as the real world, whatever the real world may be… but everything is different, cold.  All I can see are people trying to continue with their everyday routine in some crazy mixed up way, all I can hear are people crying out in anguish and pain.  Here there is no empathy or compassion, love nor hope.  The balance of emotions we were blessed with to fully experience the beauty of life is gone and all that remains is an all encompassing sorrow for its loss, never easing, never ending, complete and eternal…

The church got it wrong, damnation isn’t about burning in the pit of hell, it is about eternally drowning in the tears of your own sorrow…  I have no hope.  I can’t stop crying.  I close my eyes…

…then open them to a scene of idyllic beauty.  We are both sat on a park bench on a hill overlooking a typical country meadow. It’s a  warm summers day and things couldn’t be more peaceful.  He allows me the time to compose myself and I sit there silent, as I make a list of the things I have to put right when, no, if I make it home.  Home, even the word itself seems a million miles away, but right now the thought of returning to it is the only thing keeping me going.

“Why did you leave me there for so long?” I ask him.
“One day is nothing compared to eternity.”

A long time passes before I speak again
“Why is this happening to me?”
“Because you are listening” he says
“Because I am listening! I don’t underst…  No, let me rephrase that.  I need you to explain ‘exactly’ why I’m here,  sat on a bench next to ‘you’ and and we are having ‘this’ conversation?”

I don’t know what else to do…

I slowly step back to allow him to get up, he dusts himself down, straightens his clothes, looks at me and says “Well.”
Still in deep in shock I reply “Well what?”
“Now that we’ve got that out of the way shall we, begin?” he asks.
“Begin what!” I say getting more and more confused by the fact that I’m still in one piece and not burning or being torn apart by demons.
“Talking” he replies.

‘Stunned’ can now be added to the list of things I’m feeling right now.  I take a deep breath and try to slow my thoughts down…

“What do you want?” I ask him.
“Nothing” he says.
“Why are you here” I ask.
“Because  this is the time you have chosen.”